My story is about child sex trafficking, mind control programs, ritual abuse, and my experiences as a survivor of them. It is also a story about the power and strength of the human spirit and the power of love to heal the deepest of wounds.
I was brought into child sex trafficking by my father and what I believe is a criminal faction of the United States government.
Both my parents were Irish immigrants to the United States who met and married in New York City during the early 1960’s. I was their first born child. Before he met my mom, my father served in the 101st Airborne Division of the United States army. A veteran once told me that the 101st Airborne Division is considered to be “special forces” and is a highly trained and tested part of the military.
At some point my father left the service and became a business man. He and his partner soon owned three bars in the NYC area. It was during this time that my father met and married my mother and I was born.
There was a lot of cash, violence and chaos in my early childhood. My father drank and worked way too much and he and my mom would fight a lot about it. We owned a nice looking house filled with fine furniture and took trips to Ireland and England. I was given beautiful clothes, books and toys. I was also neglected emotionally, screamed at, and beaten on a regular basis by my mom and was being sexually abused by my father. I was later told by my mom that when I was around the age of four my father started taking me to work with him “ALOT”. My father was a workaholic who often worked 12 – 14 hours at his bars and then came home drunk and abusive.
I know now my father was not taking me to work with him. My father was taking me to many different locations where I was being used by groups of people, mostly men, for sex, pornography, blackmail, mind control programming, and ritual abuse.
Some of these places were lab – like and very clinical looking. Here I was often strapped to a chair or examination table and hurt very badly physically, mentally, and emotionally by men in white lab coats and military uniform. They used electricity, drugs, verbal and sexual abuse, and pain to torture me. I was terrified and would often become overwhelmed and would “float away” and disconnect from my body and emotions. I have been told this is called dissociation. I believe this was purposefully done by my abusers so they could access my subconscious mind to manipulate and control it. They created separate and distinct “parts” within me that they could call out and use at will. These parts were trained and programmed using fear, pain, affection, drugs, and phrases repeated over and over and over again.
I was programmed to be mindlessly obedient and quiet and to please men sexually. They also created parts in me that held rage, and there was at least one part being trained to kill. Other parts were programmed to commit suicide. Bizarrely, I even had a part of me trained to act like a puppy dog. My abusers seemed to get a big kick out of this.
Some of the scientists torturing me used German words and phrases and were very enamored with Nazi ideology. There were times I saw a banner on a wall, a pin on a lapel, a ring, or an armband with a swastika or other Nazi symbols on it. I believe these men were Project Paperclip scientists – German doctors and scientists brought to the United States after World War ll by the U.S. government. These men were attempting to destroy my sense of worth and program me to feel that obeying and serving my abusers was a great honor.
I have since learned that Hitler was intent on world domination and was fascinated by the idea of using “mind sciences” to control the masses. During World War ll, German scientists were given free reign to do oftentimes cruel and inhumane medical and mind control experiments on concentration camp prisoners.
I saw many other children at the lab-like and clinical places I was brought to. Some were considered “expendable” and were beaten and killed in front of me and other children to train us to be obedient and frighten us into silence. I saw many children kept in cages and at times I was as well.
I was also brought to places were groups of people, mostly men, were abusing children in occult settings. These were occult rituals where having sex with, or inflicting pain upon, a child was considered a powerful offering to the entity they worshiped. This was done to me and I witnessed it being done to other children as well. Some of these groups also killed adults, children, and/or animals as part of their occult rituals. They also practiced a kind of sacramental cannibalism.
I was also brought to places that appeared very opulent and wealthy. I and other children were considered to be “sexual playthings” for the pedophiles there.
My mother was a devout Catholic who deeply believed it was her duty as a wife to obey and support her husband. She was very invested in us being a “good family”. I believe she lived in fear and deep denial about my father sexually abusing me and what was happening when he “took me to work”. By the time I was seven, however, her denial about my father’s drinking and his increasingly violent, abusive, and bizarre behavior was crumbling. My mother finally left my father and left the country with me, my younger sister, and brothers in November of 1974. I was ten years old. Looking back, I believe this saved my life. I deeply appreciate and am forever grateful for the courage, strength, and love my mother had in doing this for her children and herself.
I grew up smart, sensitive, and very depressed, with cripplingly low self esteem, social anxiety, and multiple addictions. I would use anything I could to numb the intensely painful emotions and negative thoughts that raged inside me. Music, art, nature, and books kept me alive, but my addictions were leading me down a very dark road. As a teenager and in my 20’s I dove into early punk and club culture. I had returned to New York City to attend University and then quickly dropped out. It was the early 1980’s.
All my memories of being sexually abused as a child were deeply repressed. I realize now I was either powerfully attracted to or repulsed by things that were clues and signs of my childhood trauma and intuitively drawn to those things that were healing me. I was drawn to a vibrant art scene that was emerging on the Lower East Side of Manhattan. Here freedom of expression and creativity were valued, celebrated, and encouraged.
I was also deeply attracted to the art, style and mind – set of punk rock. The raw expression of pain and anger in imagery and music, the ideas of questioning authority and the status quo, and thinking for myself were very liberating for me. I was attracted to a very sexual style of dress and bondage gear. I wore a dog collar on and off for years. I have since remembered being forced to wear a dog collar at times as a sex trafficked child to please my pedophile abusers. I had a secret and disturbing fascination with swastikas and was attracted to sculls, blood and even hypodermic needles. I had started using heroin to numb the intensely painful thoughts and feelings that haunted me. I was living dangerously and was often suicidal and there were countless other kids on the Lower East Side a lot like me doing pretty much the same thing.
I started looking for answers to my questions and ways to make life better for myself. I found books and people that helped me. Sanaya Roman’s Earth Life series and the work of Charles Whitfield M.D., have been rich sources of knowledge and wisdom for me and introduced me to meditations I have used consistently over the past thirty years. I started going to 12 step meetings and had a child. My daughter awakened a deep love in me and showed me that living with joy was possible. I desperately wanted to be a good mother to her and give her a happy childhood. I started focusing in earnest on 12 step recovery and healing myself. I overcame a deep fear of medical professionals to go to doctor visits and then later the dentist.
As years went by, my ability to love myself and others grew stronger and my creativity started to bloom after being almost completely shut down for many years. Painting, poetry, journaling, and drawing help me access deeper levels of my heart and mind and bring me great peace, insight, and joy.
When sexual, ritual, and mind control abuse memories started erupting from my body and mind over ten years ago, I had many healing tools to help me navigate them. I also found therapists, and other mind control and ritual abuse survivors whose experience, compassion and courage to hear and understand my abuse have helped me tremendously. For over a year after the memories started flooding back I recorded or drew the images and sensations and spoke only to a therapist and one other survivor I had found about them. I barely researched anything online or in books, – I was too frightened to. I am grateful now for that period of relative isolation because it allowed me to record dozens and dozens of memories unadulterated by outside influences.
As a small child, I was forced into a very large and highly organized child sex trafficking network where I and countless other children were put through brutal mind control programming so we could be easily manipulated and controlled. I feel we were then being “farmed out” to pedophiles, pornographers, and occult groups as sexual slaves.
I am still having flashbacks to this abuse almost every day and there are days when healing has been very challenging for me. At the same time my life has never held more freedom, peace, joy, empowerment, courage and fearlessness, and loving connections to others and myself as it does now.
The intention behind this website is to heal, empower, and enlighten myself and others about the realities of government mind control, child sex trafficking, and ritual abuse. The more I learn to love myself and others, the more I accept and express my truth and tell my story again and again to safe and supportive people, the stronger and freer I become. If I am healing from this, so can others! My hope is that anyone visiting here will be healed, empowered and enlightened as well.
All the best,