Time Is On My Side

photo by Sparrow.

.

I am really glad I didn’t kill myself the other night. There were a couple of times the urge was deep and strong. I was in a lot of pain and was sick and tired of being in pain. Part of me had had enough.

I remembered to wait. That’s a trick Nicky taught me. Nicky* is a ritual abuse and mind control survivor I met at a women’s 12 Step meeting. She came up to me after the meeting had ended. I had shared at the meeting I was having memories come back of my father and his associates abusing me. I was really scared. I had only been having ritual abuse and mind control memories for a few months. I was having very powerful flashbacks and body sensations and I had no idea what I was flashing back to. I had never heard of military mind control or ritual abuse – I thought the term “ritual abuse” was something I made up to describe the scenes I was flashing back to. I went to this women’s meeting to share and I described my experiences very vaguely – just as that I was “being abused by my dad and his associates”.

Nicky came up to me at the end of the meeting and told me she was really glad I was sharing. She told me she was an incest survivor and then said – “I am also a ritual abuse survivor”.

I couldn’t believe my ears! I said – “Excuse me? – You’re a what?” She repeated it – “I am an incest and ritual abuse survivor”. I almost fell off my chair! I told Nicky that’s what I had been flashing back to, -strange, dark rituals where I and other children were being physically and sexually abused.

Nicky became my sponsor in AA and we began an amazing relationship. She was a huge gift to me – she was patient, wise, and very kind and generous. She told me she would answer any questions I had, but would not offer any information unless I asked for it first. It was a terrifying and overwhelming time for me. There were times I thought both Nicky and I were crazy. I was also having strong suicidal urges which I realize now was suicide programming done by my abusers to ensure the memories coming out of my body and mind would never be expressed or shared with the world.

Nicky and I made an agreement that I would call her, anytime day or night, if I had an overwhelming urge to hurt or kill myself. I called her a few times at one or two in the morning and she always answered her phone.

One of the things Nicky told me she would do to detonate the urge to harm or kill herself was to “put it off” for awhile. She told me she once said to herself – “I’ll clean my house first before I kill myself so that at least people won’t remember me as being a slob”.

Another time she told me she decided to wait a few months and pray and use the tools of recovery she learned in 12 Step to see if anything changed for the better. There is a saying in AA – “Don’t leave until the miracle happens”. Nicky told me it worked every time. By the time she’d be in the middle of cleaning her kitchen or if she started working a strong recovery in 12 Step, her mood and circumstances would always change for the better and she’d be glad she didn’t off herself.

Giving myself the gift of time before doing anything that would harm myself has worked for me as well. Looking back to the night the urge to kill myself felt deep and strong, I realize now I was more than likely triggered into a suicide program – I had triggered a part of me programmed by my abusers to kill myself to “end the pain”. Deep inside, Nicky’s kindness, generosity, and wicked sense of humor, reminded me of my strength.

I have also been in recovery long enough to realize that everything DOES CHANGE and if I practice the tools of recovery – sharing honestly with others, getting out of isolation (going to meetings), asking a higher power for help, journaling, writing or saying out loud gratitude lists, reading books that heal and uplift me, and being kind and loving to myself, things ALWAYS change for the better. All I have to do is be willing to try new ways of thinking, being, and doing, and give myself the precious gift of time.

Sparrow

*her name has been changed